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巴黎雷歐《情緒管理十二講》第五講毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋[原創(chuàng)]

第五講毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋

（本文為任由之Léo 翻譯）

我們?cè)谏钪兴坪醵加龅竭^(guò)這樣的人，他永遠(yuǎn)都是對(duì)的，不容置疑。更過(guò)分的是，這樣的人似乎總可以讓他們身邊的人屈服，妥協(xié)。而正常人，在不知名原因的影響下，被這樣的人重重束縛與控制，不可掙脫。

上面的一小段描述是對(duì)我們生活中最常見(jiàn)的毒性人際關(guān)系一些癥狀的簡(jiǎn)短概述。毒性人際關(guān)系本身是一個(gè)非常巨大嚴(yán)肅的話題。今天，我們只來(lái)探討這其中一個(gè)非常具象的層面：為什么有些人可以固執(zhí)到無(wú)可復(fù)加的程度？重要提示：本文是我自身對(duì)這個(gè)心理學(xué)病理層面現(xiàn)象的分析與感悟。如果你在生活中不幸處于毒性人際關(guān)系之中，請(qǐng)盡快尋求心理專(zhuān)家?guī)椭?/p>

在一個(gè)人成長(zhǎng)的過(guò)程中，對(duì)于各個(gè)不同的階段，有一個(gè)隱性的時(shí)間表?，F(xiàn)代科學(xué)已經(jīng)證明，對(duì)于人類(lèi)嬰幼兒，他們是分不清自己和這個(gè)世界的界限的。舉一個(gè)最明顯的例子，當(dāng)一個(gè)幼兒看到另一個(gè)孩子摔倒，或者被割傷，自己便也會(huì)很難過(guò)地哭號(hào)起來(lái)。他自己分不清楚受傷的那個(gè)孩子不是自己。很多人會(huì)以為這樣的小孩子是對(duì)別人的痛苦感同身受，高情商的表現(xiàn)。這是不準(zhǔn)確的，在嬰幼兒期，這個(gè)表現(xiàn)的原因是其還沒(méi)有完整的自我意識(shí)。如果你仔細(xì)回想，有可能還能想到自己幼兒時(shí)期的模糊記憶。在這個(gè)模糊記憶里，你仔細(xì)翻找，說(shuō)不定會(huì)想起那個(gè)自己就是世界的感受。具體一點(diǎn)，幼兒園的老師，小朋友，和桌椅板凳都是因?yàn)樽约憾嬖诘摹．?dāng)自己跟父母回家之后，這些東西在我們當(dāng)時(shí)幼小的心靈里就不存在了。這個(gè)世界獨(dú)立于我們意志而存在并運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)這個(gè)概念，我們一般是到了更大的年紀(jì)才開(kāi)始領(lǐng)會(huì)到。

之后隨著一個(gè)人精神的成長(zhǎng)，在兒童期或青春期早期的以后，我們會(huì)開(kāi)始認(rèn)識(shí)到這個(gè)世界和我們的個(gè)體之間有一個(gè)隔閡。在一個(gè)人精神成長(zhǎng)的心路歷程里，這個(gè)覺(jué)醒是一個(gè)決定性的時(shí)刻。個(gè)體在經(jīng)過(guò)這個(gè)改變之后，開(kāi)始認(rèn)識(shí)到世界并不是完全圍著自己在轉(zhuǎn)。在現(xiàn)代心理學(xué)中，這個(gè)改變被稱(chēng)之為自我意識(shí)的覺(jué)醒。我對(duì)于這個(gè)改變有一個(gè)假設(shè)：在我們的成長(zhǎng)過(guò)程中，可以觸發(fā)自我意識(shí)覺(jué)醒的時(shí)間點(diǎn)有一個(gè)既定窗口：兒童期到青春期早期。我建立這個(gè)推論的原因是通過(guò)觀察有自我意識(shí)問(wèn)題的成年人，錯(cuò)過(guò)了這個(gè)時(shí)期以后，他們?cè)诖酥笞晕乙庾R(shí)覺(jué)醒的可能性相對(duì)低很多。

這還沒(méi)有結(jié)束，之后還有更精彩的續(xù)集。這些在兒童及青春期早期沒(méi)有覺(jué)醒的個(gè)體，在之后的生活中，會(huì)與自我意識(shí)覺(jué)醒背道而馳。原因是自我意識(shí)中的逃避自我保護(hù)機(jī)制在時(shí)刻發(fā)力，來(lái)緩解因?yàn)闆](méi)有自我意識(shí)而經(jīng)歷的巨量痛苦。這樣說(shuō)起來(lái)你似乎覺(jué)得很不直觀，難以理解。那么換句話來(lái)說(shuō)，對(duì)于自我意識(shí)沒(méi)有覺(jué)醒的人， 他們的主觀意識(shí)里就沒(méi)有“在我看來(lái)”這個(gè)概念。原因也很簡(jiǎn)單，因?yàn)椤拔摇边@個(gè)概念的完整建立，是需要以自我覺(jué)醒為前提的。正是因?yàn)闆](méi)有這個(gè)完整豐滿(mǎn)的“我“的概念，這樣的人就無(wú)法意識(shí)到，自己所有的所思所想，都無(wú)一例外的是自己主觀對(duì)這個(gè)世界的解讀。當(dāng)一個(gè)人意識(shí)不到自己所有的思想都是自己主觀解讀的表現(xiàn)的時(shí)候，他在社交上的問(wèn)題也就凸顯了出來(lái)?！霸谖铱磥?lái)”，或者“以鄙人的拙見(jiàn)”，不僅是不同人之間交往的必要緩沖，也同時(shí)是厚重和兼收并蓄的成熟人格的前提。原因也不難看出：一個(gè)人須要先認(rèn)識(shí)到自己的存在。其次，在自我意識(shí)覺(jué)醒的前提下， 才有可能看到自己作為個(gè)體的局限。只有當(dāng)看到了局限，并且接受了自己作為個(gè)體的局限，一個(gè)人格才有可能走向成熟，與最終的超脫。

現(xiàn)在我們就更容易理解為什么有的人一輩子剛愎自用，不可理喻。面對(duì)這樣一個(gè)人，我們所有的交流努力就像撞到一堵墻，不管什么樣的討論，爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，都沒(méi)有任何效果。因?yàn)樵谒木袷澜纾晕沂遣淮嬖诘?。那么他的思辨就不?huì)帶有絲毫的開(kāi)放度與靈活性。因?yàn)槲壹词鞘澜?，那我的思辨結(jié)論即是不可質(zhì)疑的真理。別人所有的話語(yǔ)，在我的真理面前，都黯然失色。我永遠(yuǎn)是對(duì)的。

本文最后，是一個(gè)小提示。上面所分析的是受害者在毒性人際關(guān)系中一個(gè)主要的痛苦根源：被對(duì)方剛愎自用噤聲的痛苦，以及自己的聲音不被認(rèn)可的窒息感。但上面所討論的，并不是受害者無(wú)法脫離這個(gè)毒性關(guān)系的原因。至于為什么毒性人格會(huì)把他的受害者越困越緊這個(gè)更大的話題，暫時(shí)不是像這樣的小文所探討的范疇。

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

We all have crossed that someone in our life, who is always right and cannot be challenged. What more, he or she seems to force everyone around him or her to submit to their way of doing things with next to 0 flexibility. For some reason, we are bound to them unfortunately, unable to break free for different reasons.

Above is a brief description of symptoms of one of the most common toxic relationships that we experience in life. This is a serious topic that deserves more attention and deeper analysis. Today, we’ll try to shed some light on the deeper level that is why some people are like this. Disclaimer: this is my take away on the reason why people turn out like this. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship with someone having similar characteristic traits, please consult a psychological professional for help.

In the process of growing up, many tasks have been carried out according to a predefined time table. It has already been scientifically proven that very small babies cannot understand the boundary between himself and the world. The most obvious example would be if a toddler saw another fall, or get cut, he or she will spontaneously cry as if the pain is happening to himself. This is not a sign of super developed empathy but a yet developed self-awareness. If you try hard enough, you might even recall some memories of your toddler days in which the world does not exist independently of yourself. Once one left the kindergarten, all the people and everything they interacted with there during the day stopped existing for the kid.

Then with mental growth comes along in the pre-adolescent children, we start to realize that there’s a clear gap between the world and ourselves. This is the deciding moment that a person starts to realize that everything does not resolve around himself. In psychology, this is called the awakening of self-awareness. For now, my hypothesis is that there’s a time window for this process during our growth. I think this should happen somewhere pre-adolescence or during early adolescence. The reason for my deduction is that it seems to me if someone who made it across the adolescence without ever having the self-awakening process, it does not happen later in life neither.

Then, something even more fascinating happens. These individuals that hadn’t had their self-awareness would have been pushed even further from it later in life due to huge amount of coping mechanisms. To make it easier to visualize, this sort of individual does not have the concept “in my personal opinion” at all. Since there is no “self” in their existence, there’s no possibility to see that what they experience and learn is under the omnipresent theme of “personal interpretation” of truth. This is very problematic for social life, because “in my personal opinion” is indeed the buffer in any conflicts of values and social confrontations. Furthermore, it is not only a buffer to lubricate social encounters, but also the foundation of open-mindedness. Because only after one’s realization of self, the acceptation of his or her limits as one individual can happen. And again it is after the acceptation of one’s mortal limit, he or she can evolve further and to be genuinely open-minded.

Now it is clearer why in discussions with certain people, none of what you say would be heard and you’ll always be crushed by the firmness in front of you. Because there’s no self in their psyche, thus everything they come up with equals the ultimate truth. Under this circumstance, your words would always be weaker than the “truth”.

It is worth pointing out that, for a toxic relationship with some one of this kind, what has been discussed above is one of the main sources of constant suffering for the victim. But it is not exactly one of the binding forces that keeps the victim in this relationship. The binding forces are another big subject that deserves more detailed analysis.

《情緒管理十二講》

巴黎雷歐 著

原書(shū)名：Paris gold Key（巴黎金鑰匙）

Léo Paris 巴黎雷歐 著

Paris2019

內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)介

這是一本從非常別致的角度解析情緒管理的著作，是從作者的系列心理學(xué)講座中挑選出來(lái)的。巴黎雷歐（李由、任由之）的系列心理學(xué)講座，在法國(guó)、美國(guó)青年中頗受歡迎，特試譯為中文版本。

巴黎雷歐著有《跨國(guó)公司內(nèi)部談判效益論析》（法文版）《法國(guó)現(xiàn)代書(shū)畫(huà)藝術(shù)評(píng)論》（英文版3卷）和《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識(shí)法國(guó)》《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識(shí)巴黎》等書(shū)籍。

由于巴黎雷歐現(xiàn)系巴黎遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)協(xié)會(huì)負(fù)責(zé)人，巴黎遠(yuǎn)東藝術(shù)館、巴黎雷歐珍寶館和多種媒體及版權(quán)交易機(jī)構(gòu)負(fù)責(zé)人，非常繁忙，所以此譯本尚未得巴黎雷歐先生審閱，特此說(shuō)明。

情緒管理十二講LéoParis –巴黎雷歐 目錄

（中文譯本未經(jīng)巴黎雷歐審閱）

第一講 輕松成功，有秘訣嗎？

第二講 給你的“自律”放個(gè)假

第三講 決策，可能是偽裝的逃避

第四講 成功的關(guān)鍵在于效率

第五講 毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋

第六講 情感脫節(jié)，一個(gè)危險(xiǎn)的癥狀

第七講 情緒化，恰恰是因?yàn)槿狈Ω行?/p>

第八講 強(qiáng)烈感覺(jué)與自我意識(shí)

第九講 治愈厭倦，參與周?chē)沫h(huán)境

第十講 不要讓你喜歡的東西殺死你

第十一講 社交障礙治療——消除隔離

第十二講 樂(lè)趣和成功之間的差距

Paris gold Key

巴黎金鑰匙

Léo Paris

Catalog

Catalog

Key to success with ease

Give your poor self-discipline a break

Decision-making, a highly disguised escape

Key to success with efficiency

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

Disconnected of one’s emotion, the real symptoms

One is extremely moody because he is NOT emotional

Open mindedness and self-awareness

Cure to boredom, engage the environment around you

DON’T find something that you love and let it kill you

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

The gap between having fun and being successful

著者簡(jiǎn)介

巴黎雷歐（Léo Paris），曾用名李由，任由之，巴黎大學(xué)國(guó)際經(jīng)濟(jì)研究生畢業(yè)，曾任通用電氣公司歐亞總部經(jīng)理及新浪歐洲財(cái)經(jīng)特邀記者，著有《晨曦集》《在成長(zhǎng)》《跨國(guó)公司內(nèi)部談判》（法）《情緒管理十二講》（法）《遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)》（法）《巴黎雷歐藝術(shù)評(píng)論》（法，3卷）《簡(jiǎn)明國(guó)際商務(wù)》（考研輔導(dǎo)用書(shū)）《國(guó)際談判哲學(xué)》（法）《國(guó)際談判實(shí)務(wù)》（華）等。

巴黎雷歐