后山學(xué)派楊元相、鴻翎[臺(tái)]、劉晉元、時(shí)勇軍、桂越然[美]、李閩山、章英薈、楊瑾、李意敏等誠摯推薦

巴黎雷歐《情緒管理十二講》第十一講 社交障礙治療——消除隔離 [原創(chuàng)]

第十一講 社交障礙治療——消除隔離

當(dāng)我第一次來到法國巴黎時(shí)，我花了相當(dāng)多的時(shí)間在社交上掙扎。讓我解釋一下到底發(fā)生了什么事。

我沒有從我的祖國直接來到巴黎。我首先降落在法國西北部布列塔尼大區(qū)的首府，一個(gè)名叫雷恩的城市。

我在一所知名的高等商學(xué)院攻讀碩士學(xué)位。社交生活溫馨而輕松，即使我們大多數(shù)異國同學(xué)都在徹底地改變中。現(xiàn)在回想起來，我認(rèn)為我們在學(xué)校有過很好的社交生活。我們一天中的大部分時(shí)間都在同一棟樓里，我們的專業(yè)都是相同的。我們?nèi)ネ粋€(gè)咖啡店，在同一個(gè)桌球場上玩了一年。無論喜歡與否，我周圍的很多人，通過最小的努力，社交生活很快就變得豐富多彩。

然而，我在高商校園之外的巴黎市的旅程，是一個(gè)完全不同的故事。我們是學(xué)生時(shí)，校園的日子是難忘的。一旦離開校園，我們將懷念昔日的美好時(shí)光。巴黎以艱難的方式教會(huì)了我。我收拾行李搬出校園，帶著我的碩士學(xué)位，在巴黎郊區(qū)實(shí)習(xí)。前幾個(gè)月非常緊張，我的工作有一個(gè)很深的學(xué)習(xí)曲線，每天晚上還要尋找可以安身的公寓。在巴黎獲得一個(gè)住屋是一種令人難以置信的痛苦，像你的銀行賬戶掙到3000萬歐元，相信我。

最后，過渡時(shí)期結(jié)束了。我在一個(gè)舒適的小公寓里安頓下來，我知道我的工資將在月底到來，接下來的六個(gè)月都會(huì)這樣。在達(dá)到這種相對穩(wěn)定之后，我很快意識(shí)到我的社交生活非?？菰?。每天朝九晚五的工作沒有給我任何朋友。我的同事們都比我大二十歲，而我這個(gè)年齡段的其他實(shí)習(xí)生分散在不同的服務(wù)中，我們很少相遇。下班后我回到家里，不再有通常的咖啡店，游泳池比賽和臭名昭著的桌球。那一刻，我意識(shí)到我在社會(huì)上處于死胡同。如果你在大學(xué)畢業(yè)后搬到城市，碰巧有一份工作不讓你遇到很多不同的人，你就知道我的意思了。

從那以后，我開始尋找社會(huì)突破。我嘗試了大大小小的派對，還有社交舞蹈、徒步旅行、健身房等。我真的不自豪地說，我花了很多年才從統(tǒng)計(jì)上理解，在現(xiàn)代環(huán)境中，我們幾乎不會(huì)在各種一次性的社交聚會(huì)中結(jié)識(shí)朋友或結(jié)識(shí)伙伴。創(chuàng)造和管理社交生活，不比看起來很酷的Facebook內(nèi)容更多。

最近，我和我的一位好朋友討論了這個(gè)問題，對此有了更深入的了解。在社交圈里，他是一個(gè)非常受歡迎的家伙：法國里昂的一個(gè)活躍的攀巖社區(qū)。當(dāng)我問他是如何取得這樣一個(gè)社會(huì)成功的時(shí)候，他慢慢地坦誠地透露了全部真相。不，這不是一個(gè)房間里的孩子誰最帥氣或誰最吵鬧，讓我們以我們倆為例，分解我們討論中的關(guān)鍵點(diǎn)。

對于像我這樣的書呆子來說，最初幾年大部分時(shí)間都呆在家里，沒有社交生活。這不是一個(gè)神話，我?guī)缀鯖]有社交存在，無論有多少人想要幫助，我都無法到達(dá)。如果你讀到了這里，我想問你一個(gè)問題：你生活中有多少社交場合的參與效果，可以讓新朋友每周來拜訪你？如果你的答案是“沒有”， 不要害怕，這是很常見的，那么第一步就是開展你的社交活動(dòng)。

然而，后來我徹底改變了我的生活方式。我經(jīng)常外出，不顧一切地結(jié)交朋友，結(jié)識(shí)女孩。數(shù)百小時(shí)的喝酒和試圖在夜總會(huì)留下深刻印象，什么也沒有產(chǎn)生。為什么會(huì)這樣？答案更微妙。從社交的角度來說，存在是最小的，但仍然遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不能滿足社會(huì)生活的需要。一個(gè)人在什么樣的社會(huì)環(huán)境中存在一段較長的時(shí)間，將形成他或她的模式。這種模式，如果足夠好，將產(chǎn)生巨大的社交可訪問性。意味著人們會(huì)注意到你，他們可以有機(jī)會(huì)來找你。

現(xiàn)在，最重要的部分，如何獲得可訪問性模式？它同時(shí)涉及你的行為和設(shè)置。首先，最佳環(huán)境是相對穩(wěn)定且轉(zhuǎn)向良好的環(huán)境。此外，這個(gè)地方至少應(yīng)該鼓勵(lì)有意義的社會(huì)交往?，F(xiàn)在你明白為什么夜總會(huì)和古典健身房不是理想的地方了。在夜總會(huì)和健身房環(huán)境中，沒有什么有意義的互動(dòng)是不鼓勵(lì)的。讓我們看看一個(gè)很好的例子，一個(gè)城市攀巖俱樂部。普通愛好者每天都會(huì)來長時(shí)間訓(xùn)練。好奇的新來者每個(gè)周末都沖出房間去測試活動(dòng)。從絕對初學(xué)者到最優(yōu)秀的資深登山者，每個(gè)人都經(jīng)常遇到巨大的挑戰(zhàn)，不斷需要討論、指導(dǎo)、相互幫助和鼓勵(lì)。最后，經(jīng)過長時(shí)間的訓(xùn)練后，以前的陌生人很可能會(huì)一起喝一杯啤酒來結(jié)束這一天。我相信你能看到，我不是要你急著去找一個(gè)攀巖俱樂部，成為它的會(huì)員，來解決你的社交問題。最終，你應(yīng)該找到你真正喜歡的東西。

一旦選擇了一個(gè)理想的設(shè)置，我們就進(jìn)入了方程的第二部分，即我們自己的行為：我們?nèi)绾我砸环N理想的方式調(diào)節(jié)我們的存在，以匹配我們選擇的最佳設(shè)置？答案是穩(wěn)定和有規(guī)律的存在。每兩個(gè)月出現(xiàn)一次與每周兩次的出現(xiàn)完全不同。通過每周兩次進(jìn)行設(shè)置，您的知名度逐漸增強(qiáng)。不斷增長的知名度與熱情和積極的品格相結(jié)合，是我們從一開始就尋找的“社交無障礙”的完美配方。

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

When I first came to Paris, France, I have spent a fair amount of years struggling socially. Let me explain what happened exactly.

I didn’t come directly to Paris from my home country. I first landed in a small city called Rennes, in the northwest of France. There I did my master’s degree in a well known business school. Social life was warm and easy on campus, even with the radical change of country for most of us. Now looking back, I think that we all had a social life imposed on us at school. We spent most of the day in the same building, with the same people in our major. We went to the same coffee shop and yelled around the same foosball table for a year. Like it or not, a big amount of people are present constantly around me. With the minimum effort, social life was colorful in no time.

However, my journey in Paris is a totally different story. School days are tough only when we are students. Once left campus, we spend the rest of our life to be nostalgic about the good old time. Paris taught me this the hard way. I finished my master’s and landed on a good internship in Parisian suburb area. With the excitement of the new adventure, I packed up and moved out of my school flat. The first a couple of months were very stressful, there was a deep learning curve at my job and I had to search for an apartment each evening (It was an unbelievable pain in the neck to get a roof in Paris when you don’t have like 30 million euros in your bank account, trust me).

Finally, the transitional period was over. I settled in a cosy small flat and I knew my pay check would come in at the end of the month for the next 6 months. After achieving this relative stableness, I quickly realized that my social life was extremely dry. Locking in a cubic from 9 to 5 did not grant me any friends. My colleagues were all at least 20 years older than me, and other interns my age were so scattered in different services that we rarely came across each other. After work I just came home, there was no longer the usual coffee shop, pool game and the infamous foosball table. That was the moment that I realized that I was at a dead end socially. If you move city after college and happen to have a job that don’t involve you meeting a lot of different people, you know what I mean.

Since then, I started my search for social breakthrough. I tried big and small expatiates parties, social dancing, city walking tour, gym, etc. None of them worked. I was really not proud to say that it took me years to understand that statistically, we do NOT make friends or meet partner in almost all kinds of one shot social gatherings in a modern setting. There’s something more to create and manage a social life than going to whichever Facebook event that looks cool to you.

Recently I had a deeper understanding about this while discussing the subject with a good friend of mine. He is a very popular dude in his social circle: an active rock climbing community in Lyon, France. When I asked how he managed to have such a social success, he slowly revealed the whole truth with honesty with me. No, it is not about being handsome or the most noisy kid in the room. Let me break down the key points from our discussion using both of us as example.

For a nerd like me who has spent the majority of time at home for the first few years, there would be no social life. It is not a myth. There’s no point in blaming the society for this. There was almost no social presence for me. In this case, no matter how many people want to help, there’s no way for me to be reached, period. If you make it this far in your read, I’d like to ask you this question: how many social occasions you have in your life for new people to come to you each week? If your answer is none (don’t be afraid, it’s common), the first step would be to work on your social presence.

However, I’ve radically changed my life style later on. I went out constantly, desperate to make friends and meet girls. Hundreds of hours drinking and trying to impress at night clubs yielded nothing neither. Why is this? There’s more subtlety to the answer. Socially speaking, presence is the minimum but still far from sufficient to a fulfilled social life. How one is present in which sort of social settings for an extended period of time will create his or her pattern. This pattern, if good enough, will generate huge social accessibility. It means that people will notice that you are there and they could have a chance to come to you.

Now, the most important part, how to get a pattern for accessibility? It involves the setting and your behavior simultaneously. Firstly, the best setting is an environment with relative stability and a good turn over. In addition, the place should at least encouraging meaningful social interactions. Now you see why night clubs and classic gyms are not ideal place. There’s no meaningful interaction in night clubs and classic gym environment does not encourage interaction unfortunately. Let’s look at the good example, an urban rock climbing club. Regular enthusiasts come to train long hours every day. Curious new comers flush the room each weekend to test out the activity. From the absolute beginner to the most decorated veteran climber, everybody runs into big challenges constantly. Discussion, coaching, and mutual help are constantly needed and encouraged. Finally, after a long training session, the former strangers are quite likely to grab a bite and drink a quick beer together to end the day. I trust that you can see that I’m not telling you to rush to get a membership of a climbing club to sort out your social situation. Ultimately, you should find something you actually enjoy first.

Once an ideal setting is chosen, we come to the 2nd part of the equation, our own behavior: how do we regulate our presence in an ideal manner to match the best setting we’ve chosen? The answer is stable and regular presence. Being present once every 2 months is totally different than coming twice a week. By being in the setting twice a week, your visibility is gradually building up. The ever growing visibility combining with a warm and positive character, is the perfect recipe for the famous social accessibility we’ve been searching from the very beginning of the article.

《情緒管理十二講》

巴黎雷歐 著

原書名：Paris gold Key（巴黎金鑰匙）

Léo Paris 巴黎雷歐 著

Paris2019

內(nèi)容簡介

這是一本從非常別致的角度解析情緒管理的著作，是從作者的系列心理學(xué)講座中挑選出來的。巴黎雷歐（李由、任由之）的系列心理學(xué)講座，在法國、美國青年中頗受歡迎，特試譯為中文版本。

巴黎雷歐著有《跨國公司內(nèi)部談判效益論析》（法文版）《法國現(xiàn)代書畫藝術(shù)評論》（英文版3卷）和《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識(shí)法國》《雷歐帶你認(rèn)識(shí)巴黎》等書籍。

由于巴黎雷歐現(xiàn)系巴黎遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)協(xié)會(huì)負(fù)責(zé)人，巴黎遠(yuǎn)東藝術(shù)館、巴黎雷歐珍寶館和多種媒體及版權(quán)交易機(jī)構(gòu)負(fù)責(zé)人，非常繁忙，所以此譯本尚未得巴黎雷歐先生審閱，特此說明。

情緒管理十二講LéoParis –巴黎雷歐 目錄

（中文譯本未經(jīng)巴黎雷歐審閱）

第一講 輕松成功，有秘訣嗎？

第二講 給你的“自律”放個(gè)假

第三講 決策，可能是偽裝的逃避

第四講 成功的關(guān)鍵在于效率

第五講 毒性人格，為何不能正常詮釋

第六講 情感脫節(jié)，一個(gè)危險(xiǎn)的癥狀

第七講 情緒化，恰恰是因?yàn)槿狈Ω行?/p>

第八講 強(qiáng)烈感覺與自我意識(shí)

第九講 治愈厭倦，參與周圍的環(huán)境

第十講 不要讓你喜歡的東西殺死你

第十一講 社交障礙治療——消除隔離

第十二講 樂趣和成功之間的差距

Paris gold Key

巴黎金鑰匙

Léo Paris

Catalog

Catalog

Key to success with ease

Give your poor self-discipline a break

Decision-making, a highly disguised escape

Key to success with efficiency

Toxic personality, why some people are impossible to reason with

Disconnected of one’s emotion, the real symptoms

One is extremely moody because he is NOT emotional

Open mindedness and self-awareness

Cure to boredom, engage the environment around you

DON’T find something that you love and let it kill you

Social accessibility, one major cure for social isolation

The gap between having fun and being successful

著者簡介

巴黎雷歐（Léo Paris），曾用名李由，任由之，巴黎大學(xué)國際經(jīng)濟(jì)研究生畢業(yè)，曾任通用電氣公司歐亞總部經(jīng)理及新浪歐洲財(cái)經(jīng)特邀記者，著有《晨曦集》《在成長》《跨國公司內(nèi)部談判》（法）《情緒管理十二講》（法）《遠(yuǎn)東文化藝術(shù)》（法）《巴黎雷歐藝術(shù)評論》（法，3卷）《簡明國際商務(wù)》（考研輔導(dǎo)用書）《國際談判哲學(xué)》（法）《國際談判實(shí)務(wù)》（華）等。

巴黎雷歐